1 post tagged “panic attack”

Ok, I don't really plan on mirroring my blogs between here and LJ.  I want to use this space to speak more freely about what I'm going through in my life.

This weekend was NOT pleasant.  I spent alot of time missing Chris terribly and wishing he was still around to take care of me.  That's all I want. Is someone to take care of me because believe me, I need it.  But then again I'm trying to get to that point in my life where I don't need a man to take care of me.

My depression and rage cycles are now completely out of control.

I am financially fucked.  I can't even afford to eat.  This weekend whenever I was hungry, I'd have to find something, ANYTHING to throw together.  If it meant bread & cream cheese, then that's what it was.

Yesterday my dad took a look at my water softener and discovered that it wasn't turned on. So he turned it on and i go to take a shower. Well, the water started to smell really funny half way through my shower so i hurried up and finished and called my dad.  He told me that it's probably because the huge cylinder has old water still in it and the only way to get it out of there is to run the water in the house.

That means I took a shower using stale, 1.5 year old water.

I'm not completey OCD about germs but I can't stand having visibly dirty hands & feet.  But no, I don't wash my hands 1,563,892 times a day.  However, knowing my body was completely covered with water that was sitting inside a cylinder for at least 1.5 years freaked me the fuck out.

Later, I was fucking starving. Since the only thing i really had to eat was dry pasta & soy sauce I figured meh, it'll work and I love soy sauce.  I go to cook the pasta when i realized FUCK....the water is tainted. I am aware that boiling water would kill anything in it but at the same time, the smell of the water was atrocious and i was afraid it would permeate my food.

I fucking lost it people.  Full blown panic attack. Since my psych told me i can't self injure anymore if i want help I couldn't resort to the thing I love when I get like this.  So what did I do?  I threw away pretty much every last bit of food I had.

Everything. Not that it was alot or anything like that. Just two trash bags worth.

My fridge & freezer are empty and so is the food cabinet. Well, I did keep a jar of peanut butter & jelly, a box of cereal, and a new jug of soy milk. 

If i can't fucking self injure, I will starve myself then. No, I'm not anorexic. I don't do it to lose weight. I do it to punish myself.

After I cleaned my house of any foodstuff, I got that eerie calmness I usually get when I self-injure and went right to sleep.

I'm fucking losing it people.  I NEVER had done anything like that before.  I met a really nice guy last week who helped me with my accident and here's what's gonna happen:

He thinks I'm a great girl.
I wear a mask to the world pretending to be put together.
I CAN NOT and WILL NOT subject him to who I really am. 
Because in the end, people will always see you for what you really are.
And if I have to face ONE MORE rejection in my life, that will be the last

I blame chris for who i've become. I blame myself too. Alot.

Today I'm walking in the haze of am-i-real-or-am-i-dreaming that frequently accompanies my panic attacks.  I really need help people. I really truly do.