5 posts tagged “mental”

In that amount of time, Chris's phone will be shut off. I will have no more communication with him. I called him today to see if by chance he still wanted to do something tomorrow and the subject of his line getting disconnected came up.

I told him i figure i probably won't be hearing from him for awhile and he said probably not until he gets a new phone.

So why does it bother the fuck out of me that i sit here and keep thinking how he'll find a way to talk to his bitch though?

Jesus Chris, I'm so fucking glad to be done with him.
I'm so glad that i will no longer be able to access his phone records anymore.
I'm still pretty sad though. I think we're definately gonna part ways. And I know I should be all happy about it.

I'm getting all pissy and sad again so I'll just stfu now.

But I have been taking 5-HTP since Monday and it seems to be helping. I'm definately not as moody and there have been opportunites to get all pissy and complete emo about things and i found myself just being like meh, whatev.

Man I wanna get SMASHED tonight. I hate having no friends here to hang with.

..is the pain to end.

..is my heart to heal.

..is emotional stability.

So chris came over saturday, and right after we finished having sex, he called his little fucking whore bitch girl pal that apparently he's interested in.  There I am, wiping his shit off me and he's chatting it up with some bitch?!?!?!

Yeah, I went off in the worse possible way. I told him i hated him, that if he disappeared off the face of the planet i would give two fucks, and that he's a pathetic, low life, despicable, human being whom i hope his little bitch girl friend finds out what a fucking loser he is and refuses to talk to him ever again. I told him i didn't want to look at his face, hear his voice, speak his name.

well boo hoo i made him cry. he then proceeded to lock himself in my bathroom with a razor blade and told me that if I felt that way about him, he had no reason to live. FUCK YOU. KILL YOURSELF THEN.  I FUCKING FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU TREATED ME LIKE SHIT.

well, we both ended up on the bathroom floor holding each other and crying.

how fucking pathetic is that?!?!?

I dont want him to move on. period. to know he's interested in someone else and that im just his fuck friend (which im not fucking him anymore ever again) is killing me.  I love him so much. and i hate Hate HATE myself because im so fucking insecure and neurotic and crazy and IM THE REASON THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED. Because im a "psycho bitch".

I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. There is no amount of punishment i can do to myself to erase the fact that i fucked up the one person i really loved. that I alone fucked up the one good thing i had.  I cut saturday night after he left. I shut my phone off all weekend and took tylenol pm every 5 hours so i could stay asleep.

It hurts so bad.

I am unlovable.
I am poison.
I am foolish to ever believe i could have any good thing.
I HATE myself.

God i miss cocaine sometimes.

like, really Really REALLY miss it.

Chris was supposedly going to hook me up but well yeah, of course his reliability once again came through with flying colors. He probably did all the shit anyway. At least i didn't put any money into it.

i'm pretty fuckin' grumpy today. but i downloaded this 90's alternative album for freeeeeee.

Oh, people who have to have the fire truck honk his damn horn because they're fucking stupid and can't see the big red truck with the sirens sounding deserve to have their car SMASHED.

I really hate when people i.e. chris say they're my friend and love me as a friend and blah blah blah but when im going through shit, are no where to be found.

I told chris today to stop telling me he loves me and that he's my friend until he's ready to prove the shit.

God i hate him.

Ok, I don't really plan on mirroring my blogs between here and LJ.  I want to use this space to speak more freely about what I'm going through in my life.

This weekend was NOT pleasant.  I spent alot of time missing Chris terribly and wishing he was still around to take care of me.  That's all I want. Is someone to take care of me because believe me, I need it.  But then again I'm trying to get to that point in my life where I don't need a man to take care of me.

My depression and rage cycles are now completely out of control.

I am financially fucked.  I can't even afford to eat.  This weekend whenever I was hungry, I'd have to find something, ANYTHING to throw together.  If it meant bread & cream cheese, then that's what it was.

Yesterday my dad took a look at my water softener and discovered that it wasn't turned on. So he turned it on and i go to take a shower. Well, the water started to smell really funny half way through my shower so i hurried up and finished and called my dad.  He told me that it's probably because the huge cylinder has old water still in it and the only way to get it out of there is to run the water in the house.

That means I took a shower using stale, 1.5 year old water.

I'm not completey OCD about germs but I can't stand having visibly dirty hands & feet.  But no, I don't wash my hands 1,563,892 times a day.  However, knowing my body was completely covered with water that was sitting inside a cylinder for at least 1.5 years freaked me the fuck out.

Later, I was fucking starving. Since the only thing i really had to eat was dry pasta & soy sauce I figured meh, it'll work and I love soy sauce.  I go to cook the pasta when i realized FUCK....the water is tainted. I am aware that boiling water would kill anything in it but at the same time, the smell of the water was atrocious and i was afraid it would permeate my food.

I fucking lost it people.  Full blown panic attack. Since my psych told me i can't self injure anymore if i want help I couldn't resort to the thing I love when I get like this.  So what did I do?  I threw away pretty much every last bit of food I had.

Everything. Not that it was alot or anything like that. Just two trash bags worth.

My fridge & freezer are empty and so is the food cabinet. Well, I did keep a jar of peanut butter & jelly, a box of cereal, and a new jug of soy milk. 

If i can't fucking self injure, I will starve myself then. No, I'm not anorexic. I don't do it to lose weight. I do it to punish myself.

After I cleaned my house of any foodstuff, I got that eerie calmness I usually get when I self-injure and went right to sleep.

I'm fucking losing it people.  I NEVER had done anything like that before.  I met a really nice guy last week who helped me with my accident and here's what's gonna happen:

He thinks I'm a great girl.
I wear a mask to the world pretending to be put together.
I CAN NOT and WILL NOT subject him to who I really am. 
Because in the end, people will always see you for what you really are.
And if I have to face ONE MORE rejection in my life, that will be the last

I blame chris for who i've become. I blame myself too. Alot.

Today I'm walking in the haze of am-i-real-or-am-i-dreaming that frequently accompanies my panic attacks.  I really need help people. I really truly do.

I never thought my entire life I would actually hate someone.

But after my break up with Chris, I became very familiar with rage and disdain.  Anger that kept me up at night and troubling thoughts that woke me up at 4:30 in the morning and would NOT let me get back to sleep.

I'd have to say that 50% of the ongoing stress, anxiety attacks, and crying spells are either indirectly or directly the result of him.

I fucking loathe him.

But I maintain contact with him and today, was VERY close to loaning him money again. Nevermind that he still owes $46.83 (yes, you better believe i keep a tally....), he owes HUGELY for overage minutes on the cell plan, and he has YET to get the phone line transferred in his name.

But I'm proud of myself.

As he bitched and moaned about how he has no money,blah blah blah, and I felt myself weakening once again, I sifted through the cabinets of my mind.  I pulled out those files that reminded me WHY I no longer can bear the site of him.

* The 20 minute ride I had to endure of listening to him flirt with some chick on the phone...when he just broke up with me a week early citing "there's no one else. I swear to you."

* The 400 minutes he used up on our cell phone plan in ONE DAY because he found it necessary to talk to this chick for hours on end.

* The countless times he says he's going to pay me back by a certain date only to watch it pass as quickly as his affections for me did.

* How last night he wanted to fuck me so I'd give him a joint.

Fuck you Chris.  You almost had me there.