1 post tagged “depression”

..is the pain to end.

..is my heart to heal.

..is emotional stability.

So chris came over saturday, and right after we finished having sex, he called his little fucking whore bitch girl pal that apparently he's interested in.  There I am, wiping his shit off me and he's chatting it up with some bitch?!?!?!

Yeah, I went off in the worse possible way. I told him i hated him, that if he disappeared off the face of the planet i would give two fucks, and that he's a pathetic, low life, despicable, human being whom i hope his little bitch girl friend finds out what a fucking loser he is and refuses to talk to him ever again. I told him i didn't want to look at his face, hear his voice, speak his name.

well boo hoo i made him cry. he then proceeded to lock himself in my bathroom with a razor blade and told me that if I felt that way about him, he had no reason to live. FUCK YOU. KILL YOURSELF THEN.  I FUCKING FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU TREATED ME LIKE SHIT.

well, we both ended up on the bathroom floor holding each other and crying.

how fucking pathetic is that?!?!?

I dont want him to move on. period. to know he's interested in someone else and that im just his fuck friend (which im not fucking him anymore ever again) is killing me.  I love him so much. and i hate Hate HATE myself because im so fucking insecure and neurotic and crazy and IM THE REASON THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED. Because im a "psycho bitch".

I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. There is no amount of punishment i can do to myself to erase the fact that i fucked up the one person i really loved. that I alone fucked up the one good thing i had.  I cut saturday night after he left. I shut my phone off all weekend and took tylenol pm every 5 hours so i could stay asleep.

It hurts so bad.

I am unlovable.
I am poison.
I am foolish to ever believe i could have any good thing.
I HATE myself.