6 posts from July 2006

I have to admit. Sometimes I like to act like a dirty little whore. Or course not with just anyone. It has to be with the right person. I've only taken on that persona with two people in my life. And in that persona, i will say and do anything you pretty much want me to.

I like to be dominated more than anything. Which is really really odd because I've been molested & raped. Now I'm not into like rape fetishes and shit like that and there are certain actions that I can't handle but meh.

That's funny. I just realized that I treat only those guys i really trust to that persona.

I've come to finally realize and accept that Chris and I are really just better off as fuck partners with no emotional/relationship strings attached.  I also now realize how he will sometimes use sex as a weapon.  Not outright but he knows if he lays the pipe good enough, I'll pretty much do whatever he wants.

But not this time. I was so damn close to paying a bill for him today when i realized, wait. I'm not getting into this cycle with him again.

Last night I picked him up from work cuz he did get me my little surprise. Unfortunately, my dad was also at my house at the time working on my faucet so naturally i cant go home to inhale rails. We decided to go to the river since it was hot as fuck out and i did want to swim. 

Yeah well, we ended up doing it in the back seat of my car. Which was kinda sexay cuz well, see 2nd sentence at the top.  How trashy is that?!?!!? God i love it.

Fuck I love aggressive sex. I love it even more when it's fueled by coke.  And he swears up and down he hasn't fucked anyone since he was with me last. Dude, ok. whatever. just make sure your shit is wrapped at least when you're fucking me.

Well, my dad broke some part and had to drive to Lowe's (which is out of town) to get a part which meant chris never got to come over and do me REAL properly last night but let's just say i was 20 minutes late for work this morning......

Yeah, i'm flirting with fire. but this time I MEAN IT when i say i will not invest in him emotionally like i did before. I've done it twice now with dastardly results and i won't put myself through it again. Yeah. I probably shouldn't be having sex with him still.

I do have to say this though....the stress and tension I've been feeling lately is pretty much gone. Do you know how sucky it is when someone really truly is affected by lack of sex?!?!

ha ha damn i wanna see him tonight.  but i have to keep this strictly sexual. since there is some form of "friendship" there, I dont' mind the occasional dinner or movie or whatnot but no sleeping over and no calling the next day.

coke & cocks ladies.

oh before I forget. I have the following food items in my house for those of you who expressed concern over me not eating:

organic peanut butter
organic jelly
a loaf of bread
soy milk
box of Life cereal
oatmeal
elbow macaroni
soy sauce

I make this really cheapass stirfry noodley stuff with the macaroni & soy sauce. I have a thing for soy sauce right now. it's unnatural. I'd drink the shit if i could.

BTW, I'm a vegetarian.

And I kinda like not having anything else in the house. It's giving me the opportunity to really start fresh with being a vegetarian and shopping properly.

God i miss cocaine sometimes.

like, really Really REALLY miss it.

Chris was supposedly going to hook me up but well yeah, of course his reliability once again came through with flying colors. He probably did all the shit anyway. At least i didn't put any money into it.

i'm pretty fuckin' grumpy today. but i downloaded this 90's alternative album for freeeeeee.

Oh, people who have to have the fire truck honk his damn horn because they're fucking stupid and can't see the big red truck with the sirens sounding deserve to have their car SMASHED.

I really hate when people i.e. chris say they're my friend and love me as a friend and blah blah blah but when im going through shit, are no where to be found.

I told chris today to stop telling me he loves me and that he's my friend until he's ready to prove the shit.

God i hate him.

Ok, I don't really plan on mirroring my blogs between here and LJ.  I want to use this space to speak more freely about what I'm going through in my life.

This weekend was NOT pleasant.  I spent alot of time missing Chris terribly and wishing he was still around to take care of me.  That's all I want. Is someone to take care of me because believe me, I need it.  But then again I'm trying to get to that point in my life where I don't need a man to take care of me.

My depression and rage cycles are now completely out of control.

I am financially fucked.  I can't even afford to eat.  This weekend whenever I was hungry, I'd have to find something, ANYTHING to throw together.  If it meant bread & cream cheese, then that's what it was.

Yesterday my dad took a look at my water softener and discovered that it wasn't turned on. So he turned it on and i go to take a shower. Well, the water started to smell really funny half way through my shower so i hurried up and finished and called my dad.  He told me that it's probably because the huge cylinder has old water still in it and the only way to get it out of there is to run the water in the house.

That means I took a shower using stale, 1.5 year old water.

I'm not completey OCD about germs but I can't stand having visibly dirty hands & feet.  But no, I don't wash my hands 1,563,892 times a day.  However, knowing my body was completely covered with water that was sitting inside a cylinder for at least 1.5 years freaked me the fuck out.

Later, I was fucking starving. Since the only thing i really had to eat was dry pasta & soy sauce I figured meh, it'll work and I love soy sauce.  I go to cook the pasta when i realized FUCK....the water is tainted. I am aware that boiling water would kill anything in it but at the same time, the smell of the water was atrocious and i was afraid it would permeate my food.

I fucking lost it people.  Full blown panic attack. Since my psych told me i can't self injure anymore if i want help I couldn't resort to the thing I love when I get like this.  So what did I do?  I threw away pretty much every last bit of food I had.

Everything. Not that it was alot or anything like that. Just two trash bags worth.

My fridge & freezer are empty and so is the food cabinet. Well, I did keep a jar of peanut butter & jelly, a box of cereal, and a new jug of soy milk. 

If i can't fucking self injure, I will starve myself then. No, I'm not anorexic. I don't do it to lose weight. I do it to punish myself.

After I cleaned my house of any foodstuff, I got that eerie calmness I usually get when I self-injure and went right to sleep.

I'm fucking losing it people.  I NEVER had done anything like that before.  I met a really nice guy last week who helped me with my accident and here's what's gonna happen:

He thinks I'm a great girl.
I wear a mask to the world pretending to be put together.
I CAN NOT and WILL NOT subject him to who I really am. 
Because in the end, people will always see you for what you really are.
And if I have to face ONE MORE rejection in my life, that will be the last

I blame chris for who i've become. I blame myself too. Alot.

Today I'm walking in the haze of am-i-real-or-am-i-dreaming that frequently accompanies my panic attacks.  I really need help people. I really truly do.

I think i'm going to quite enjoy my stay here.

Ok, so if someone leaves you a comment, can you reply to it?

In response to lady amour - It's hard to just walk away isn't it?  The relationship with him and I can sooooo be summed up by the lyrics from Lauryn Hill's song "The Ex Factor".  He hurts himself to make me stay. I really do feel he keeps parlaying about paying me back and other issues because he knows...once all loose ends are tied up, I'm gone.

I guess I was wrong when I thought all those times the only reason why he stayed with me is because of all the shit i did for him. Cuz I don't do a damn thing for him anymore when he asks and he still sticks around.

I never thought my entire life I would actually hate someone.

But after my break up with Chris, I became very familiar with rage and disdain.  Anger that kept me up at night and troubling thoughts that woke me up at 4:30 in the morning and would NOT let me get back to sleep.

I'd have to say that 50% of the ongoing stress, anxiety attacks, and crying spells are either indirectly or directly the result of him.

I fucking loathe him.

But I maintain contact with him and today, was VERY close to loaning him money again. Nevermind that he still owes $46.83 (yes, you better believe i keep a tally....), he owes HUGELY for overage minutes on the cell plan, and he has YET to get the phone line transferred in his name.

But I'm proud of myself.

As he bitched and moaned about how he has no money,blah blah blah, and I felt myself weakening once again, I sifted through the cabinets of my mind.  I pulled out those files that reminded me WHY I no longer can bear the site of him.

* The 20 minute ride I had to endure of listening to him flirt with some chick on the phone...when he just broke up with me a week early citing "there's no one else. I swear to you."

* The 400 minutes he used up on our cell phone plan in ONE DAY because he found it necessary to talk to this chick for hours on end.

* The countless times he says he's going to pay me back by a certain date only to watch it pass as quickly as his affections for me did.

* How last night he wanted to fuck me so I'd give him a joint.

Fuck you Chris.  You almost had me there.

I want to discuss something I read in my local paper today.

A few weeks back we had a “big case” happen.  I consider it big simply because crime of that nature doesn’t typically happen in a small town such as the one I lived in.

A guy decided to hole himself up in his ex girlfriend’s house causing a standoff between him and the local sheriff’s department.  At one point, gunfire was exchanged and one of our officers was hurt in the incident.  Eventually, the guy committed suicide and the officer was put in the hospital.

All in a day’s work I say.

This officer did have surgery done, isn’t back to work yet, and may have to undergo further surgery on his shoulder.  Once he came home, of course he had lots of well-wishes and the sheriff’s department had a large banner outside the building welcoming him home.  I’m all for that.  It’s good when an officer isn’t killed in the line of duty. 

Here’s where I start getting a little miffed.  Today in the paper they highlighted how a group of current and former cops who are in a biker club presented him with gift certificates, cash, a weekend getaway pack, etc.  My question is this – why is there no such camaraderie for our soldiers?

A pat on the back? Sure, they get that

A nice banner welcoming him back home? No problem.

But rewards and gifts? Not a damn thing.

What further miffs me is the fact that we live next to a military base. In fact, if it wasn’t for this base, this town would just be another small, rinky-dink hick town.  Recently, we had a company return home from their tour of duty in . 

Did they get anything? Nope.

Did we line the streets with people waving American flags, handing soldiers homemade hero banners, and screaming at the top of our lungs?  We did when they came home from the Gulf War.

Sure, we have businesses welcoming them home on their marquees.  But no one’s handing them gift certificates and a weekend getaway for two.

Now of course some would say, “Hey! It’s in their job description too to be shot at.” And especially in this town you’d probably hear, “Well, it’s not everyday one of our officer’s take a shot.” 

Here’s my response.  If it wasn’t for the soldiers answering to the call of duty, we wouldn’t live in a civilized nation that allows us to have a police force to protect us.  Yes, I most certainly feel that our soldiers should be getting a hell of a lot better treatment than the professions of others.

This small group of bikers came up from Branson which is a 4 hour ride to help this officer out. We live RIGHT OUTSIDE the military base. A lot of theses soldiers are our neighbors.  I have to wonder how many of us poor plain-clothed folks are offering to cut the grass of our soldier next door?  How many of us are offering to look after their kids for a couple hours or, heaven forbid, overnight so they can spend time with their spouse? How many of us are even THANKING them for answering the call of duty?!

Look how we treated the vets. We scorned them, spat on them, and denied them any assistance or recognition for their work.  We let them come home to suffer debilitating injuries, drug addictions, and post war trauma by themselves.  We treated them with pure, utter contempt.  I think we’ve definitely come a long way from that but all the same.

Our soldiers deserve a whole lot more recognition and honor than they’re getting. And I say, “Shame on you” to this county for publicizing and making a big deal out of gifts to an officer who was doing their job yet allowing our soldiers to STILL come home without proper recognition.