crazycatlady's blog

In that amount of time, Chris's phone will be shut off. I will have no more communication with him. I called him today to see if by chance he still wanted to do something tomorrow and the subject of his line getting disconnected came up.

I told him i figure i probably won't be hearing from him for awhile and he said probably not until he gets a new phone.

So why does it bother the fuck out of me that i sit here and keep thinking how he'll find a way to talk to his bitch though?

Jesus Chris, I'm so fucking glad to be done with him.
I'm so glad that i will no longer be able to access his phone records anymore.
I'm still pretty sad though. I think we're definately gonna part ways. And I know I should be all happy about it.

I'm getting all pissy and sad again so I'll just stfu now.

But I have been taking 5-HTP since Monday and it seems to be helping. I'm definately not as moody and there have been opportunites to get all pissy and complete emo about things and i found myself just being like meh, whatev.

Man I wanna get SMASHED tonight. I hate having no friends here to hang with.

Well let's see. I was taking St. John's Wort for the bipolar but it made me manicky and although it's nice to be all happy and high and YAY! the racing thoughts and inability to sit still or sleep pretty much made that a lose-lose situation. So I stopped taking it to start taking 5-HTP. Yeah, I pretty much crashed Sunday. 

Rapid cycling is FUN. /sarcasm

Chris still hadn't paid me back the $300 for the phone bill so I called him Monday night cuz he didn't call me back like he said he would and i unleashed yet again. Told him i hated him and wished he would die. Then I felt like total shit for the rest of the night because i started to feel really bad about saying that shit to him. I know he's not been the greatest to me but i haven't been the greatest to him either and never really took full responsibility for it. Well, I felt really really awful and wrote him a letter finally admitting and apologizing for my part in our horrible relationship together.

Called him Tuesday and ended up having the opportunity to apologize. I didn't want anythign to do with him apologizing to me or thinking about all the bad things he's done. It wasn't about comparing who-fucked-who-harder. It was all about me getting out of my system and confessing and seeking forgiveness for my actions alone.

He did pay me back my $300. We did have sex (and it was GOOOOOOD hahahahah imsobad), I did let him borrow my car (stop looking at me like that!!!!) and he bought me groceries, gave me $20 for gas, and some smoke. I did spend about 10 minutes grilling him about what he was going to do in my car and it did get ugly because i just wouldn't accept what he was telling me.

But the joke was on me when he did actually do what he said he was going to do, came back about 45 minutes earlier than i expected, and helped me out with some things.

Yeah, and here's the problem....his phone line gets shut of on the 3rd. but guess whose having second thoughts because of the "nice" time we spent together yesterday?  But then i remember how he uses all my minutes and it takes him FOREVER to pay me back so I don't think there's a chance I'm going to renig on the whole thing.

The 'rents are out of town this weekend and asked me to look over the house. I told chris he could come by and hang if he wanted to.

Oh, and i have a date tonight with this guy i met when i got into my accident. He's cooking me dinner. He's really nice and put together and sadly, I find that to be a weakness. I'm so use to shit that when an opportunity comes where I don't have to fix someone or be their caregiver, I'm like ewww go away.

And let's not forget i fucked my ex last night. fucked him good too. ahahahahahahahahahaaha. God i miss sex. ALOT.

I've been going back to the gym pretty regularly and feel good about it too. I've been running an average of 3-4 miles a day and then doing about 30 minutes or so of toning. I haven't been eating all that well though. I have a bowl of oatmeal in the morning, popcorn for lunch, and a thing of ramen noodles for dinner (but i don't drink the juice cuz that's where all the sodium is).I've managed to get down to about 132 and that makes me happy. But i hate how it's always "just 5 more lbs" for me. My ideal weight is suppose to be 130-144 and I don't want to look like certain socialites who shall remain nameless so my blog isn't found by their crazy fans.

I'm tired. and i dont want to go on my date tonight :((

Only cuz Phoenix is like WHERE'S THE UPDATE YOU PROMISED!??!?!?!? :p

1. I think i am finally coming to the point where i realize i am better without chris.  And I do deserve better.  Wednesday night i had to meet him cuz he owes me money for the phone bill and he said his usual, "I'm sorry for being a complete asshole saturday and not respecting your feelings."  This time he didn't even then launch into an excuse. 

I know he really does care about me. He just does stupid fucked up shit sometimes because he doesn't think things through. But that doesn't mean im going to take him back so dont worry there.  He gave me $30 for his avon, $30 towards his phone bill, and then $20 to buy groceries.  I spent it on booze and women. hahahahaahaha.  Ok, I did spend $5 on gas and $5 yesterday for smokes & lunch. But I will spend the other $10 on groceries.

2. I got my official diagnosis from my psychiatrist today. Bipolar disorder, major depression, and anxiety disorder. The bipolar part surprised me. Another name for it is manic depression but I don't have full blown manic episodes. 

shit, i have to work this morning. :(

Does anyone use Microsoft Small Business Accounting for their billing?

If so, can i please give you my phone # because i need help with this stupid software package.

Does anyone know a song that contains these lyrics. i tried a google search but i may be missing it with the lyrics part.

it's something like "you seem to move on so easily".

Nevermind, it's Britney Spears' "Everytime"

Notice me, take my hand
Why are we strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me

Everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I make believe that you are here
It's the only way I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry

At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

..is the pain to end.

..is my heart to heal.

..is emotional stability.

So chris came over saturday, and right after we finished having sex, he called his little fucking whore bitch girl pal that apparently he's interested in.  There I am, wiping his shit off me and he's chatting it up with some bitch?!?!?!

Yeah, I went off in the worse possible way. I told him i hated him, that if he disappeared off the face of the planet i would give two fucks, and that he's a pathetic, low life, despicable, human being whom i hope his little bitch girl friend finds out what a fucking loser he is and refuses to talk to him ever again. I told him i didn't want to look at his face, hear his voice, speak his name.

well boo hoo i made him cry. he then proceeded to lock himself in my bathroom with a razor blade and told me that if I felt that way about him, he had no reason to live. FUCK YOU. KILL YOURSELF THEN.  I FUCKING FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU TREATED ME LIKE SHIT.

well, we both ended up on the bathroom floor holding each other and crying.

how fucking pathetic is that?!?!?

I dont want him to move on. period. to know he's interested in someone else and that im just his fuck friend (which im not fucking him anymore ever again) is killing me.  I love him so much. and i hate Hate HATE myself because im so fucking insecure and neurotic and crazy and IM THE REASON THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED. Because im a "psycho bitch".

I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. There is no amount of punishment i can do to myself to erase the fact that i fucked up the one person i really loved. that I alone fucked up the one good thing i had.  I cut saturday night after he left. I shut my phone off all weekend and took tylenol pm every 5 hours so i could stay asleep.

It hurts so bad.

I am unlovable.
I am poison.
I am foolish to ever believe i could have any good thing.
I HATE myself.

Shane's my gay best friend. and pretty much every weekend of 2005 we were in springfield at the gay bar partyin' it up gangsta style.

ahhhh...the hot tub parties, the vodka, the beautiful women (yeah, it's safe to say that I am bi.), the gay men.  I miss them so much.  But shane moved to STL and now we hardly see each other.

and it makes me sad.  I miss partying with him. I miss laying in his bed watching straight porn or star wars or whatever else. I miss going out to eat at 2 in the morning.

I really wish i had some damn friends cuz i wanna go out and dance.

"It's like I've got a shotgun in my mouth, and I've got my finger on the trigger, and I like the taste of metal." - Robert Downy Jr.'s statement about his drug addiction.

Sry for not updating much. Not much happening really.

Chris came over Sunday and spent the day with me which was pretty cool. At least the fact that we could be in each other's presence without fighting about stupid shit for once.  Oh, yeah, and lots -n- lots of coke & vodka.

Luckily it's all gone though.

I haven't drank or done anything since then and don't really feel the need to.  Weed is just boring. It makes me lazy, unmotivated, and hungry.  I like my uppers.  I told Chris whatever he does to never ever ever bring meth around me.  But he doesn't do the shit anyway so that's a good thing.

I got my car back yesterday and am SUPER happy about it.  I missed her so much.

The 'rents are gone for the weekend and they asked me to check in on the house. So tomorrow i plan on spending the day in the pool, drinking mimosa's, BBQ'ing, and later in the evening, watching a movie in their new home theater. and when i say theater...I MEAN THEATER.  My dad converted their downstairs one car garage into a room that has a huge projection screen, a projector hooked up to their dvd player, surround sound, and 8 recliners setup like they are in a theater, complete with isles and everything.

It's fuckin' SWEET.  I invited chris to come but not sure if he will. I told him we couldn't do any drugs or fuck while there cuz my 'rents are pretty religious and that would be just plain wrong. 

I really have no desire to work today. And I downloaded a bunch of music.  Does anyone have Fergie's new song London Bridge?!! hit me up if you do.

I've got Promiscuous Girl, Sexyback, and Stars Are Blind (3 versions of the song even) to trade if you want. 

Yes, I have a Paris Hilton song. But i like it.

I need to make an appt to see my counselor but sadly, i don't think I'll be able to go back because I'm fucking POOR. The total credit card bill for this whole car ordeal is $943.83. I'm very sad as I don't know how I'm going to pay it off. My 'rents have helped out and my mom said when she starts work again (my mom's the school lunch lady. ahahahaha.) she'll help me out some more.  I'm sure eventually I'll need to look at getting a 2nd job and im sad about that.

I'm tired. Peace out.

I have to admit. Sometimes I like to act like a dirty little whore. Or course not with just anyone. It has to be with the right person. I've only taken on that persona with two people in my life. And in that persona, i will say and do anything you pretty much want me to.

I like to be dominated more than anything. Which is really really odd because I've been molested & raped. Now I'm not into like rape fetishes and shit like that and there are certain actions that I can't handle but meh.

That's funny. I just realized that I treat only those guys i really trust to that persona.

I've come to finally realize and accept that Chris and I are really just better off as fuck partners with no emotional/relationship strings attached.  I also now realize how he will sometimes use sex as a weapon.  Not outright but he knows if he lays the pipe good enough, I'll pretty much do whatever he wants.

But not this time. I was so damn close to paying a bill for him today when i realized, wait. I'm not getting into this cycle with him again.

Last night I picked him up from work cuz he did get me my little surprise. Unfortunately, my dad was also at my house at the time working on my faucet so naturally i cant go home to inhale rails. We decided to go to the river since it was hot as fuck out and i did want to swim. 

Yeah well, we ended up doing it in the back seat of my car. Which was kinda sexay cuz well, see 2nd sentence at the top.  How trashy is that?!?!!? God i love it.

Fuck I love aggressive sex. I love it even more when it's fueled by coke.  And he swears up and down he hasn't fucked anyone since he was with me last. Dude, ok. whatever. just make sure your shit is wrapped at least when you're fucking me.

Well, my dad broke some part and had to drive to Lowe's (which is out of town) to get a part which meant chris never got to come over and do me REAL properly last night but let's just say i was 20 minutes late for work this morning......

Yeah, i'm flirting with fire. but this time I MEAN IT when i say i will not invest in him emotionally like i did before. I've done it twice now with dastardly results and i won't put myself through it again. Yeah. I probably shouldn't be having sex with him still.

I do have to say this though....the stress and tension I've been feeling lately is pretty much gone. Do you know how sucky it is when someone really truly is affected by lack of sex?!?!

ha ha damn i wanna see him tonight.  but i have to keep this strictly sexual. since there is some form of "friendship" there, I dont' mind the occasional dinner or movie or whatnot but no sleeping over and no calling the next day.

coke & cocks ladies.

oh before I forget. I have the following food items in my house for those of you who expressed concern over me not eating:

organic peanut butter
organic jelly
a loaf of bread
soy milk
box of Life cereal
oatmeal
elbow macaroni
soy sauce

I make this really cheapass stirfry noodley stuff with the macaroni & soy sauce. I have a thing for soy sauce right now. it's unnatural. I'd drink the shit if i could.

BTW, I'm a vegetarian.

And I kinda like not having anything else in the house. It's giving me the opportunity to really start fresh with being a vegetarian and shopping properly.

God i miss cocaine sometimes.

like, really Really REALLY miss it.

Chris was supposedly going to hook me up but well yeah, of course his reliability once again came through with flying colors. He probably did all the shit anyway. At least i didn't put any money into it.

i'm pretty fuckin' grumpy today. but i downloaded this 90's alternative album for freeeeeee.

Oh, people who have to have the fire truck honk his damn horn because they're fucking stupid and can't see the big red truck with the sirens sounding deserve to have their car SMASHED.

I really hate when people i.e. chris say they're my friend and love me as a friend and blah blah blah but when im going through shit, are no where to be found.

I told chris today to stop telling me he loves me and that he's my friend until he's ready to prove the shit.

God i hate him.